winston199

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business! Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine! Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?” A: “You can’t tuna fish.” Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”! Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk. Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits! Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel. Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together! Q: What is the most hardworking part of the eye? A: the pupil Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it! Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: Because it was framed. Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? A: Swimming trunks. Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom? A: At the BP station! Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away? A: A taxi driver. Q: “How do you shoot a killer bee?” A: “With a bee bee gun.” Q: How do you drown a Hipster? A: In the mainstream. Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it! Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp. Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor? A: Because it had a virus! Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers! Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner? A: Man, that hit the “spot.” Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer! Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor? A: Because it was not peeling well Q: Why is England the wettest country? A: Because the queen has reigned there for years! Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze! Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: Sunday, of course! Q: What bow can’t be tied? A: A rainbow! Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline? A: Spring time. Q: Where did the computer go to dance? A: To a disc-o. Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”. Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital? A: To get a tweetment. Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A: A Clausterphobic Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? A: Because his friend said dinner is on me. Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it’s over your head! Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because he had no-body to go with. Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path. Q: What three candies can you find in every school? A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties. Q: Why are pirates called pirates? A: Cause they arrrrr. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones. Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? A: In snow banks. Q: What washes up on very small beaches? A: Microwaves! Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move? A: The road! Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? A: The scientists were brainstorming! Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn’t find a date! Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? A: Hi Cliff! Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? A: Show me the honey! Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck! Q: Why did the traffic light turn red? A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street! Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator? A: I think I’m coming down with something! Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot! Q: What has four wheels and flies? A: A garbage truck! Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? A: Post Office! Q: What did the blanket say to the bed? A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered! Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed? A: To draw the curtains! Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack? A: One! After that its not empty! Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton? A: A bellybutton! Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! Q: What dog keeps the best time? A: A watch dog. Q: Why did the tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing! Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on? A: It let out a little wine! Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? A: Odor in the court. Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? A: Dam! Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other? A: They don’t have the guts. Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? A: SUPPLIES! Q: Why was the student’s report card wet? A: It was below C level! Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? A: Tentacles. Q: What did the traffic light say to the car? A: Don’t look, I’m changing. Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours? A: Nacho Cheese Q: What streets do ghosts haunt? A: Dead ends! Q: What did the penny say to the other penny? A: We make perfect cents. Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop. Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? A: So he could have sweet dreams. Q: Why did the robber take a bath? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway. Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: Your dyslexic Q: What did the judge say to the dentist? A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella. Q: Why did the belt go to jail? A: Because it held up a pair of pants! Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: Your dyslexic Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: Stick with me and we will go places! Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? A: Flood lights! Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because they’re all in High School! Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary? A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each “s”! Q: Which month do soldiers hate most? A: The month of March! Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you! Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one! Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? A: Because he wanted to work over-time! Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly! Q: When do you stop at green and go at red? A: When you’re eating a watermelon! Q: How did the farmer mend his pants? A: With cabbage patches! Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? A: He couldn’t concentrate! Q: How do you repair a broken tomato? A: Tomato Paste! Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: Because his parents were in a jam! Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty! Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A: A deviled egg! Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A: A turkey! Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: He felt crummy! Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? A: She couldn’t control her pupils! Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A: A private tutor. Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on? A: Bare-foot. Q: What can you serve but never eat? A: A volleyball. Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A: Sneakers. Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? A: So he could tie the score. Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? A: They both depend on the batter. Q: What did the alien say to the garden? A: Take me to your weeder. Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe. Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread. Q: How do baseball players stay cool? A: They sit next to their fans. Q: Why was the math book sad? A: Because it had too many problems. Q: What runs but doesn’t get anywhere? A: A refrigerator. Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer? A: The Space bar! Q: What exam do young witches have to pass? A: A spell-ing test! Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A: A cloud! Q: Why did the boy eat his homework? A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport? A: Because you dribble on the floor! Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: Drop him a line! Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts? A: To the Baa Baa shop! Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? A: Jellyfish! Q: What do cats eat for breakfast? A: Mice Crispies! Q: Why can’t a leopard hide? A: Because he’s always spotted! Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A: A sour puss! Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Its easier than walking! Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey! Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses? Q: Why does a hummingbird hum? A: It doesn’t know the words! Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? A: Because they dropped out of school! Q: What goes up and down but doesn’t move? A: The temperature! Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? A: Neither, they both weigh a ton! Q: What has one horn and gives milk A: A milk truck. Q: Where do bulls get their messages? A: On a bull-etin board. Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping? A: They CHARGE! Q: What runs but can’t walk? A: The faucet! Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A: A water bed! Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? A: Firecrackers! Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: Because he took a short cut. Q: What’s taken before you get it? A: Your picture. Q: What concert costs 45 cents? A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback. Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist? A: To get a root canal. Q: Why did the child study in the airplane? A: He wanted a higher education! Q: What can go up a chimney down, but can’t go down a chimney up? A: An umbrella. Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept! Q: What did the tie say to the hat? A: You go on ahead and I’ll hang around! Q: What pet makes the loudest noise? A: A trum-pet! Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny! Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? A: She had a make-up exam! Q: Name a city where no one goes? A: Electricity Q: Why can you never trust atoms? A: They make up everything! Q: Where does bad light go? A: To prism! lol = Drowning Man. lol = Drowning Cheerleader.