p1mrs01

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice with my bare hands.
I have been known to remodel the Space Shuttle on my lunch breaks, making it more efficient in the area of heat retention and energy consumption.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently.
I woo women with my sensuous and god-like saxophone playing.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in seven foreign countries.
Using only a fork and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
The NY Yankees, Oakland Raiders, and Los Angeles Lakers all scouted me, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after working out, I repair nuclear submarines for the Navy.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
I don’t perspire, yet people always sweat me.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
I bat .400, I bench press 400 lbs., and I know 400 languages.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me. Women want me. Men envy me. Animals like me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me. I can levitate at will.
I balance, I weave, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have saved the baby rutabaga from extinction.
I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
And I wrote this.
People may steal it,
But I created it.